I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
