dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
