It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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