how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
