I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
