We won't sleep together?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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