Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
