I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
