Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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