i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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