I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize