i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
