Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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