So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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