You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
