Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
