There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
