the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The air was thick with penises
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
