paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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