the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
