Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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