I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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