why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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