i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
