Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
