Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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