Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
