i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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