yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
