You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
