8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
