he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
