is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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