Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
