One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
