I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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