I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
