jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
