Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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