Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
