The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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