Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
