Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
