I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
