We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i've created a new STD.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
