the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
