On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
