he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize