Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i used baking grease as lip gloss
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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