I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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