Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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