I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
