Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
