My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
