I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
