I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
