but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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