You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
