burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
