Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
